update

Sorry-been having some problems-was losing weight very fast-down to 112 pounds now-but have decided that was due to the ensure giving me protein for muscles-which i now have-hahaa not much but muscles-i take pain medicine then get on an old exercise bike both with and without my oxygen on.
I have no idea of what to do to heal myself-all i can do is listen to what God tells me to do-so far it is working. i have so many thanks to online friends who have helped me get through some terrible times-special Christmas thanks to the special dreamgirls you are lifesavers for sure-this is the season for miracles and i guess that means for me too. we all have miracles in our life-some small, some large. sometimes the worst things in life , traumatic at the time, turn out in hindsight, to be the best things that could have happened:an example:s this car crash was terrible but without it i never would have met you---stay positive thinking. i am truly blessed with close friends- i have within  this last year cut off many who were there for whatever material things they could scam me out of-i still feel sorry for them. when i died march 1, 2011 there was no material things that arrived with me for my visit with my creator but there was a special gift-no more pain and no more suffering-i knew that by returning to life on earth meant pain and suffering and did not want to return-yes we all have a purpose in life-we need to just see the confidence deep within us to see what good we could be if we just stop trying to control our lives and learn faith.
i admit i was not religious -probably leaning towards agnostic before i died-am i religious now? nope, but i sure know you will be amazed after your death-yes there is sooooooo much more after life on earth-for some it will be a wonderful experience and for some it will be an experience they deserve and not a good one they might like-not for me to judge-I AM, God, decides that and alone too. Bless each one of you and keep you and your families safe-share that part of you which you hide from the world and help others here on earth . Don't worry about recognition for what you do because you will get all the recognition you need if your heart is sincere----happy holidays worldwide to those good people with good hearts-big teddy bear hugs to you all

Cancer changes

how doctors and nurses dealing with cancer patients should hange their viewpoints. the science of cancer is just unraveling just as it has for many years -therefore we need to stop labeling cancer patients as 1st stage 4th stage, end of life etc. who thought of those terms and who decided that 4th stage is the final stage-i tell people that i am 4th stage and terminal but all of us are terminal from the moment we are born-a car might hit us at an early stage in life and that damn sure would be terminal. by labeling it depresses most patients and causes them to simply give up all hope of defeating it and that is such a great shame- they put me on end of life hospice care for a few months till i quit the program-simply made no sense to just give up-yes maybe for medical bills it made sense-they would not have to pay any more for my health care but i think positive thinking has so much to do with how u fight diseases and injuries.
will add more thoughts later-sorry-am tired

Amazing

amazing things are happening.not sure what is going on-the ensure has allowed me to gain weight -a little, 10 pounds or so but the weight has changed my breathing-perhaps increased weight from my stomach onto my hiatal hernia-dont know but somehow i believe a miracle is now happening-we will see-i will let u know in about 2 months or so-all i iknow is when i use my oxygen bottle now i seem to feel bad so my lungs are now being forced to expand and get larger-i guess my body can heal itself-my creater said it would so we will see. keep the prayers coming-seems to be working

So many thanks

wow i have lots of ensure now-my heartfelt thanks go out to so many of you and also thqanks for the other gifts  but best of alol thanks to the special 2 who actually wrote a written letter-very personal way to let me know somebody cares-writing letters is such a forgotten art-we all email and instant message which is letter writing but a much faster version. writing letters tho in our own personal handwriting is very special tho-has been very many years since i have gotten a letter-no wonder the post office has problems-
i will write back -will take me time-i was waiting to get a couple poems on printed glossy paper and send a signed copy to the ones who provided me an address-maybe one day my signature will be valuable-who knows

today i went down and bought a pair of jeans for very skinny guys size 30 hahaha i had been wearing my normal jeans but they are soo baggy that i had to go to suspenders-now it looks like i have an ass again -altho a skinny one rofl
i am making my bucket list-most folks create one with missions they can accomplish-well i have decided that is wrong thinking so number one on my list is i have to own a $2 million buck yacht at least 100' long
that should give me another 40 years to live eh?

for my fellow Vets

Mr. Young,

I just read your poem on wardog.com, and I was moved to tears. This is a picture of most all Vietnam veterans, if they would only just admit to it. My husband served in 70-71 at Red Beach, and he is disabled from an anxiety disorder. He cannot stand crowds, darkness, or anyone to be behind him in a group. Up until recently, he did not admit to many that he was a Vietnam vet. I have gotten him some stickers for his motorcycle and a license plate with Vietnam veteran on it. He also has a cap with that on it. He did not want people to know he served there. I told him to be proud of his service and I have pride in all Vietnam veterans and veterans from other wars too. Most men that I meet that were in Vietnam have issues with anxiety, but some handle it better than others. Our country sent our 'boys' to war, and yes, you all were just boys. My husband says the movies he sees are not correct, in that the actors are too old, he said he did not see old men there, just kids. I think part of the reason for all the patriotism today, is that most of the parents of today's soldiers are Vietnam veterans, or people from that time that saw how they were treated. My husband mentioned to me about the name 'baby-killer' and how much it hurt to be called that. I cannot understand a country sending young men to war and then just abandoning them when they return. My father served in Korea and he has the same problems. When I was young, and even now, we knew not to touch Dad when he was not aware we were there. He just lashed out and hit whatever touched him. He will not speak of much that he saw, he holds it all inside. My mother told me about this; not Dad. A man at our church, that grew up in the community that I did, was in Vietnam and Cambodia and he has nightmares from the things that he saw there. His wife said he has it very rough sometimes. A girl that I worked with told me of her husband and how he would not sleep in the house but in a hammock in their garage and had the same anxiety problems that my husband had. I know it is not just Americans that have these problems, all soldiers do, regardless of what country they are from. God bless you and touch the raw places in your heart and heal them. I love my Vietnam Vet and the rest of them too!!!!!!

Best wishes,
A Proud Veteran's Wife

What is Faith

we all say i have faith in you or i have faith in God or many other sayings.
I asked God where is the miracle you promised me when i died. God's reply was rich, i gave you a miracle-i brought you back to life. I replied well how about the miracle of healing my body. God said Rich you need faith not in me but yourself. Faith means sheerly putting you own life on line to believe in me and create your own miracle.. 

That being said-i have been taking 3 heart meds per day-1 2 times a day. To test my faith 4 days ago i stopped all heart meds-so don't blame any doctor if i fail. All my life i have pushed my limits. I have the meds handy if i falter -lol i am not stupid. We will see. One day i hope to heal my entire body-yes it takes alot of people believing they will see a miracle so now you all must also have faith-smiles.

to contact me

my email is:

Guncarver@hotmail.com

ontario b & B Systems---my warm thanks to the Dreamgirl Angel for the 2 cases of Ensure-because of you all i now spied 2 walnut shaped muscles on my arms-kinda like an ultra mini Popeye after eating his spinach-hahah dats me-love ya alland special thanks to Fi the Queen of rl Angels-wink-thx for the gift-now i can get ready for my work-you will understand

the Love of Dreamgirls is in Giving

Not often do i let things get to me but this touched my heart-i have met many online and have found that even online we are real people just trying to escape our sometimes sad ordinary life and that it helps to lend an ear not to judge folks but to listen and offer advice if you can and to give if you can.
The Dreamgirls -I call them now the DreamAngels is a small group of ladies from all over the usa and even the world who really care and try to help when needed
the leader of the pack i will call Dina. She is sneakier than an Arizona rattlesnake to accomplish her goals

I blogged for months about my trials and tribulations of fighting cancer, hoping that maybe i could talk at least one person ill or even not ill who would not simply give up on life-after all how could a damned old vietnam vet -skinny as a rail not quit and you can? Dina tricked me-she said  Rich i have read your blog and you have inspired so many that we as dreamgirls would like your address to give out so many can send you cards to cheer you up and on. i replied sure Dina how can i refuse such a lovely woman---after she got my address she said oh rich i kinda lied a little -we dreamgirls are sending you some Ensure so you can get stronger to fight the cancer battle-ok Dina you have made me cry and even more of the dreamgirls have helped you do so-

I know many people think the internet is a fake place but i never have-today the first case of ensure arrived ---all i know is it was bought from a direct care store so if you recognize that then you will know you were the first-
i wish i could just squeeze the stuffing out of all of you
i tried pigging out and quickly drank 3 of the ensure-then tried to lay down and rest-wrongggg
it gave me energy to walk down to check my mail and i have not rested all day yet-3 filled me this time- my body is kinda in shock still

my buddy mike came by to check on me -he is a nam vet -lost over 150 guys in one day right beside him during a bad  firefight
compared to mike i am so lucky-his mental wounds inside his head are devastating-i am one of the rare ones he can talk to-as combat vets we never judge each other and he likes that-he said-see rich there are amazing people in life who do care and that is what keeps me going

DreamAngels I love you all-and also all those i have met online 

an update

I am so sorry-i forgot people were still checking my blog-this has been a year of healing and time for many reflections-upfront with you---my prognosis is terminally ill 4th stage renal carcinoma (kidney cancer) and asbestosis  haha plus minor stuff like a hiatal hernia and heart problems from the diseases-sighs-

i have learned I hate labels-wow terminally ill-shit that depresses you--so I am now in charge of my medical-I have decided there may be 12 or 20 or even 30 stages to cancer-whew now i feel better and asbestosis is not a fast death my doctor tells me most likely the strain of breathing on my heart will kill me-I said thanks doc for the good news

about 2-3 months ago I got down to 120 pounds -I guess the system wont pay for ensure which I was using to put on weight-you know you have friends when for your birthday they buy you a case of ensure- i can buy it at 1/2 price from the va  but too expensive still for me 22 bucks a case

my va doctor says i am catastrophically disabled-go figure-so i thought ok-this might allow the va to finally send me some ensure-nope it seems there is a special form and a review then a hearing of some type and in a year or two they will turn me down -gotta love the system

so life goes on 

i died in the va hospital march 1,2011 cardiac arrest during exploratory surgery for the hiatal hernia-bad news i i have the hernia --the good news is the doctor tickled my heart which was enlarged-i admit-he did not want to do the surgery but i said get some balls doc -you are a veterans doctor and i need to know what is 2wrong- the good news is my heart had been beating so erratic that i was about to die and the cardiac arrest started my heart beating semi normal again so i love that doctor who operated

a few weeks in intensive care at a public hospital (the va paid everything) they artificially stopped my heart 2 more times and finally got the heart meds right so i can stay alive--the next problem was plueral effusions-that is when your lungs fill with fluid I had 5 times of removing the fluid with a long needle-omg that is hell --the last time was 1000cc of fluid which is a full lung-i had two oxygen hoses in me-one in mouth and one in nose and was gasping- ambulance trip

so i got smart--haha dont try this ever---i had water pills but my body still had over 40 pounds of wter in it so smart rich said ok to get rid of water simply increase number of water pills -right but also wrong-that was another ambulance trip-my bp was 40 i think -shit they did not tell me that water pills also lower your blood pressure mine had been running 195/180 or so

good news is i pissed like a race horse and  went from 190 pounds to 120 pounds--if i turned sideways and stuck out my tongue i would have looked like a zipper-hence the need for ensure cause i lost all protein and all potassium in my body-pills got me back potassium but i daily fight protein intake

my friends take life a lot more lightly-when you die there is no more pain for you but you damn sure wont take any material things nor money with you

next came the end of life hospice care-that is when they basically give you all the morphene you need until your lungs fail and you die-sounds like a simple plan eh? if you read my old blog you now know morphene only hypers me-i am too tough to die so after a few months of this i quit it -the nurse was upset the va was upset -only God was not upset

the va made me go talk to 3 phsycharists to determine if i was crazy for quitting this terrific self assisted suicide program-i simply said to them do you really believe in God or a higher power or do you mouth the words only-they said they believed-then i asked all 3 -if you believe and God created the world then you should believe that God can heal me if God wants-they replied very true-one doctor actually looked at the other and asked -do you think he is crazy or not-she replied-absolutely not-so i thanked them and said have a wonderful life

then i laffed my ass off-crazy for wanting to live? who is crazy? me or the system

now they merely give me pain meds and heart meds and leave me alone-but i have secret ways of healing-#1 a friend gave me an old bike exercise machine-when i feel strong enuf i ride it like there is no tomorrow-trying to give myself a heart attack or make my body stronger

right now i am up to maybe 145 pounds -3 weeks ago i was a mere 134

what is saving me? and why? because i have met so many wonderful people all over the world and i consider them dear friends and i pray for their well being

my creator is taking care of me as he/she wishes so i will survive -for some reason

i have no anger nor animosity anymore for anyone or anything-i have met the ultimate unconditional love and am at peace-now i can truely laff at lifes dramas in fact this fall i might hire myself out as a scarecrow for haloween or if i can gain weight a pumpkin roflmao

Quicksand and Love

How do you move on
When your feet
Are buried
In quicksand?

How do you move on
After losing
Your best friend?

How do you move on
After losing
Your partner
Your soulmate
The great love
Of your life?

How do you move on
After losing
That special
Someone or Someones
In your life?

How do you move on
When your
Feet and heart
Are stuck
In quicksand?

The mystery of life
Is the miracle of Love
To heal the pain
Of the heart
If only you
Will allow love
To do so

You take all
The fond memories
All the thoughts
All the feelings
All the tender moments

And place them
Into a lovely box
In your mind

You wrap them
With your tears
Place a bow
With their name
Written upon it

And place that
Special box
Where it belongs
Deep within you

So deep it is
Surrounded not
By sorrow
But with Love

And every now
And again
When you need power
To move your feet
Out of that quicksand
You take the box
Out one more time
And explore
Its contents of Love
Again

How do you move on
When your feet and heart are stuck
In quicksand?

You fill the quicksand
With Love
And you float free

Free to love
Again!

Sometimes i get inspired by sensing things or thoughts or feelings and so it is with the poem Quicksand & Love my dear thanks go out to the person we call Seep for sharing her esp poetry with me and the world it is wonderful to have found that love and even if you lose it to life's struggles to keep the memories of that person deep within you Thanks Seep

Thoughts on life and the Va (Veteran's Affairs)

Somehow my military medical records got lost after discharge in 1969-just imagine that one day you suddenly don't exist on paper and cant prove anything.
I knew that from Vietnam I was seriously sick with things I got while serving such as asbestos-so I fought the government long and hard-so far still losing but after 27 years of fighting the system I still have hope.
The VA employees are some of our most dedicated men and women in America, but my problems were with a system set up to deny, deny, deny till they die. Well my time for dying suddenly began-I am terminally ill with a few disease but this is not about me.
I had given up after fighting the diseases for years and was preparing to die-giving away all my possessions, etc.
As a combat vet I had only medicare plan A, I could not afford B and D even though I was terminally ill.
Sick and depressed I was struggling until a fellow combat vet told me about the new VA outreach clinic in Lewiston, Idaho.  I went in not expecting much because without the missing medical records I have been on the fringes. At the clinic I was instantly impressed. Two young Iraq and Afghanistan vets greeted me with big smiles. I suddenly felt like I had finally returned home.( bear with me, I am crying as I write this)
They made me an appointment to see a Dr. Matthew Rice and his nurse Susy. 
At the appointment I walked into the office and was greeted warmly by a stunning lovely,with a huge smile, lady--Susy---then a giant of a man-scrawny, beaming man-Dr. Rice. (sorry Doc I meant lanky-haha). Right away he sent me for a battery of tests and a cat scan during the results he named several diseases and said Rich you don't have these so feel good-the bad news is you have about 5 other major problems and 2 are terminal but you will be ok-we will do our best with you. He then said I needed to do the scope thing looking for a hiatal hernia-I went to Walla Walla, Washington hospital and even though they thought it was too risky I candidly insisted-my Doctor relented-to be honest I told him get some balls Doc and do this-I need to know what is going on. The rest is history, I died on the table and they brought me back-I want to thank the wonderful Doctor there and the nurses-I know i scared the hell out of them but that one incident actually helped shake up my heart, which it needed and yes I did have a hernia also. I had told that doctor don't worry doc I won't die today but I meant permanently.
From there I went from the VA to a local intensive care unit where the VA paid for most of my care--in May they put me as terminally ill and I entered End of Life Hospice which is where they give you around the clock morphene 7 days a week untll you stop breathing---after 2 months of this and now down to 132 my stubbornness kicked in and I took myself off the Hospice-I think I did 2 or more ambulance trips after that. Sure, I am terminal but I realized that from our birth we all are terminal so don't go out easy!
Dr. Rice believes that one day I will be cured-deep down I think he debates that. I met my maker and now know how my life will be so it is all good, whatever happens.
Susy, Susy, Susy- Dr. Rice's glorious nurse, sent from heaven to help vets and wow oh wow-talk about dedicated. She wants me go get better and who could deny Susy?
You could say " Susy you won't get paid any more for being a veteran nurse and she would just smile and say " Get out of my way so I can go help that other vet.
I have made Susy cry when I visited the clinic-it hurt to see me suffer and go though all this. I felt guilty at first seeing this then realized that is just how Susy really is. She has so much love for " her" vets that her love just simply overflows. So much love that Suzie had to be rushed to Spokane VA hospital for heart problems. The doctors sent her home to rest. Immediately she was back at work saying " rest? I worry even moment when I am at home and can't see my vets". I love you Susy and you Dr. Rice and all the wonderful people who work for the VA who say we care about vets then show it and prove it daily!
We need the President as Commander in Chief to publicly say thank you to everyone working for the VA.
Dr. Rice asked me while I was in his office during one of my worst episodes. " Rich, knowing all you have been though for 30 years fighting the system and your diseases I want to ask you one question-would you join the military and do it all over?" As I cried with pain  I replied-yes Dr. Mat, I would be first in line". With tears in his eyes he hugged me and whispered in my ear- "I just knew you would say that!"

You Amaze Me

You lie in my arms
Late at night
and
I reflect


It has now been
20 years
30 years
40 years
50 years
60 years
70 years

Together
As one

We have been
Up
We have been
Down
We have laughed
We have cried

Joy
Sorrow
Yes my love
We have had
It all
And yet my
Love
You have stood
By me

You have wavered
Just as the trees
Waver
With a strong wind


You have worried
About me
Just as a mother
Worries
About her children


You have had doubts
About me


Just as we
All should doubt
Things sometimes


It brings change
It brings reflection

And yet
Just as the sun
Is there for us
Each day
You
My Love
Have been there for me

Without you
I could not
Have been
Who I am

Without you
I could not
Have been
Who I could be

Without you
I would have missed
Many joys in life
Many breathtaking
Sunrises
Many glorious
Sunsets

So as you lie
In my arms
And
I reflect

I have not told you
Enough times that
I love You

I have not shown
You enough
Attention

I have not deserved
The love
Of such a wonderful
And
Beautiful woman
Such as you

But for all these
Years I have
Had you

And somehow
Over the years

Through the unspoken
words
Through the soft touches
Of your hand
Upon mine
Through the special
Look
You give me

I know
I know completely
My dear

That somehow
You love me
As much
As I do you
And
I thank YOU

As you lie in my arms
Late at night
And
I reflect!

Signed,
Your Loving Husband

1. 
   
   There are relationships which give me hope for the human race. This is one of them. It is easy to walk away from our commitments in life-- so much more difficult to face them, work out the problems, solve them, and move on. I know this because this is a true story --it is the story of my Mom and Dad who died not too long ago after almost 70 years. Dad had Altzheimer's and would not remember any of his six children, but I watched him reach over from his easy chair and lightly touch Mom's arm. They spent their last years together in a nursing home-when Dad went in Mom moved in also to be near him-Dad died first then a few months later Mom said she was tired, in pain and missed Dad terribly and was going to join him.
   And she did! Now that is Love my friends!!!
   Think about it.
   And thanks Mom and Dad for telling me your story from the grave!
   I love you also
   Gun/Rich

A Soldier's Pain

The  pain of a thousand
  Veterans in my ears,

  Paltalk brings me
  To tears----------
  Wanting to share
  Wanting to care
  As if tears can wash
  Away the ravages of war
  Gone to serve
  Gone to say an oath.
  To serve God and Country.
  Not wanting to die
  But suffering worse-
  To live, when close
  Friends died instead.
  Bitter feelings of
  Coming home.
  Of why me not him?
  Then the country
  Turning Treason on Vets
  Who served proudly.
  Wondering
  Wondering
  Confusion!
  Anger with our
  Country and our people
  Who forced us
  To go to war.
  Who drafted us
  Into service, then rejected us
  For serving!
  Confusion!
  What did we do wrong?
  Serve proudly?
  Yes we did!!
  Fight bravely?
  Yes we did!!
  We are the proud.
  We are the ones.
  Our country has broken us
  Even when the enemy
  Could not.
  We were defeated, not by Vietnam
  But by the USA.
  We were defeated
  By our own family,
  Friends,loved ones
  And all those who
  Did not support us
  Like Hanoi Jane Fonda!
  You broke our hearts
  And our minds.
  Our bodies
  And our spirits---
  More than the bullets
  Killed us on the battlefield.
  Your words and actions
  Killed us
  When we returned to you.
  You spat on us!!
  You rejected us!!
  Then accepted with honor
  Those who ran to Canada
  To avoid duty.
  You took our honor
  And gave it to traitors!!
  And
  Gave us shame!!
  Through our depression
  A strange thing happened.
  We awoke---
  This sleepy thing
  Called Veterans
  And we united.
  All Branches of service
  Blended
  Together as one.
  As an armed forces combined.
  To give comfort
  And caring and sharing.
  We will overcome!
  We will be proud!
  We will hold our heads high!
  Through our shame we have arisen!
  And
  As a force of one army
  We shall change
  People!
  We shall change
  Thoughts!
  We shall defeat all those
  Who tried to shame us.
  We stand proud
  And say this to our Country----
  You have stained the flag
  With the blood of our fallen Brothers and Sisters!
  You have made Veterans take their own lives
  After they returned home!
  Their blood is on your hands now.
  Because when you shame us----
  You also shame yourselves Because,
  my friends-
  We are you!!
  We are your Sons and Daughters
  Your Grandsons and Granddaughters
  We are your Aunts and your Uncles
  We are your Cousins
  We are your Brothers and Sisters
  We are your Loved Ones.
  We are in essence
  YOU
  Now who has the shame?
  Now who has the pain?
  Not us!
  We finally hold our heads high
  And say proudly to you---
  Yes we are Vietnam Veterans!!!
  We are the ones
  Who fought the fight!
  We never ran
  We never crawled away----
  Even though, by God,
  sometimes we wanted to
  We tasted fear---
  As all soldiers do
  We overcame our enemies over there
  And now
  We will overcome You.
  Perhaps if only one thing happens
  From this event
  And then we will be proud of America.
  May America never again be ashamed
  Of her Vets who proudly
  Served and Died.
  But more importantly----
  May the Vets who proudly
  Served and Died
  For their Country
  NEVER AGAIN BE ASHAMED OF THEIR OWN COUNTRY AMERICA!!!!
  Rich Young - Aka Guncarver on Paltalk
  Guncarver@cableone.net
  Guncarver@Hotmaiil.com
  Vietnam Veteran ----- Proudly Served USN 1967-68 TET Clarkston, Wa.
  but most of all

  WELCOME HOME !!!!!!!!