an update

I am so sorry-i forgot people were still checking my blog-this has been a year of healing and time for many reflections-upfront with you---my prognosis is terminally ill 4th stage renal carcinoma (kidney cancer) and asbestosis  haha plus minor stuff like a hiatal hernia and heart problems from the diseases-sighs-

i have learned I hate labels-wow terminally ill-shit that depresses you--so I am now in charge of my medical-I have decided there may be 12 or 20 or even 30 stages to cancer-whew now i feel better and asbestosis is not a fast death my doctor tells me most likely the strain of breathing on my heart will kill me-I said thanks doc for the good news

about 2-3 months ago I got down to 120 pounds -I guess the system wont pay for ensure which I was using to put on weight-you know you have friends when for your birthday they buy you a case of ensure- i can buy it at 1/2 price from the va  but too expensive still for me 22 bucks a case

my va doctor says i am catastrophically disabled-go figure-so i thought ok-this might allow the va to finally send me some ensure-nope it seems there is a special form and a review then a hearing of some type and in a year or two they will turn me down -gotta love the system

so life goes on 

i died in the va hospital march 1,2011 cardiac arrest during exploratory surgery for the hiatal hernia-bad news i i have the hernia --the good news is the doctor tickled my heart which was enlarged-i admit-he did not want to do the surgery but i said get some balls doc -you are a veterans doctor and i need to know what is 2wrong- the good news is my heart had been beating so erratic that i was about to die and the cardiac arrest started my heart beating semi normal again so i love that doctor who operated

a few weeks in intensive care at a public hospital (the va paid everything) they artificially stopped my heart 2 more times and finally got the heart meds right so i can stay alive--the next problem was plueral effusions-that is when your lungs fill with fluid I had 5 times of removing the fluid with a long needle-omg that is hell --the last time was 1000cc of fluid which is a full lung-i had two oxygen hoses in me-one in mouth and one in nose and was gasping- ambulance trip

so i got smart--haha dont try this ever---i had water pills but my body still had over 40 pounds of wter in it so smart rich said ok to get rid of water simply increase number of water pills -right but also wrong-that was another ambulance trip-my bp was 40 i think -shit they did not tell me that water pills also lower your blood pressure mine had been running 195/180 or so

good news is i pissed like a race horse and  went from 190 pounds to 120 pounds--if i turned sideways and stuck out my tongue i would have looked like a zipper-hence the need for ensure cause i lost all protein and all potassium in my body-pills got me back potassium but i daily fight protein intake

my friends take life a lot more lightly-when you die there is no more pain for you but you damn sure wont take any material things nor money with you

next came the end of life hospice care-that is when they basically give you all the morphene you need until your lungs fail and you die-sounds like a simple plan eh? if you read my old blog you now know morphene only hypers me-i am too tough to die so after a few months of this i quit it -the nurse was upset the va was upset -only God was not upset

the va made me go talk to 3 phsycharists to determine if i was crazy for quitting this terrific self assisted suicide program-i simply said to them do you really believe in God or a higher power or do you mouth the words only-they said they believed-then i asked all 3 -if you believe and God created the world then you should believe that God can heal me if God wants-they replied very true-one doctor actually looked at the other and asked -do you think he is crazy or not-she replied-absolutely not-so i thanked them and said have a wonderful life

then i laffed my ass off-crazy for wanting to live? who is crazy? me or the system

now they merely give me pain meds and heart meds and leave me alone-but i have secret ways of healing-#1 a friend gave me an old bike exercise machine-when i feel strong enuf i ride it like there is no tomorrow-trying to give myself a heart attack or make my body stronger

right now i am up to maybe 145 pounds -3 weeks ago i was a mere 134

what is saving me? and why? because i have met so many wonderful people all over the world and i consider them dear friends and i pray for their well being

my creator is taking care of me as he/she wishes so i will survive -for some reason

i have no anger nor animosity anymore for anyone or anything-i have met the ultimate unconditional love and am at peace-now i can truely laff at lifes dramas in fact this fall i might hire myself out as a scarecrow for haloween or if i can gain weight a pumpkin roflmao